Lovable Cast of hackSIGN 2
by Riya Tasogare
Summary: The director takes the Hack Sign cast to a psychologist's office. People get ideas in their heads. Warning: lame random humor included. May cause bouts of snobbishness andor laughter and in rare cases, death.
1. Chapter 1

The Lovable Cast of .hack/SIGN **2**!

Yeah, we're, I mean, I'm back (after…what, two years?). Hopefully I won't get in trouble this time. I'm still taking a risk. Not exactly sure what they meant by bloopers.… Anyways…

* * *

"Hey, Tsukasa."

"What?"

"When you log out of the world, let's go to Shimokitazawa!"

Tsukasa faced Mimiru. "Shimokita…?"

"You know, that one place somewhere near or in or far from Tokyo!"

"It's a place?"

"Duh, what else would it be?"

"I thought it was a cherry."

Mimiru blinked. "…cherry!"

"It sounded like a cherry."

"Why would it—"

"Doesn't hearing 'Shimokitazawa' make your mouth water and make you think of purple cherries?"

"Um…oh, sorry! I have to log out. My mom's calling me." She jumped off the altar. "I'll see ya later!" Mimiru ran out of the building.

"'Mom'? I wonder if those taste good too. Must be why Mimiru was in a hurry."

* * *

"CUT!" the director yelled. 

Tsukasa jumped off the altar too. "Is it lunch time yet?"

"Lunch time at 6:00 pm?"

"I haven't eaten dessert yet."

The director sighed. "I think Subaru's cooking something now."

"YAY!" In a blink's time atmospheric gases replaced the space where Tsukasa's small volume was. Wow, that was a stupid way of saying "Tsukasa ran off so fast there was a sonic boom screamin' 'cherries'."

Tsukasa ran right up to the kitchen room. Subaru quickly came out and shut the door before Tsukasa entered.

"Hey hot stuff," Tsukasa greeted.

"Not now, Tsukasa!" Subaru looked around frantically. "Something HORRIFIC has happened with Ginkan in there!"

"What?" Tsukasa thought for a while quickly that made no sense, did it…. "HE BURNT YOUR PIE!"

"No! Even worse!" Subaru leaned closer to Tsukasa and whispered, "He's wearing an apron." Subaru looked down. "Tsukasa? Tsukasa! Snap out of it! Tsukasa! Get control of yourself!"

* * *

Kurim walked by Subaru. "What are you doing?" 

"Quick, Tsukasa's down! Go get help, Lassie!

"What?"

"I mean Kurim!"

"Tsukasa? He ain't there, Subaru-chan."

It took her a while to process the information (considering the HORRIFIC situation she (and Tsukasa) is in. She looked behind her at the kitchen doors and then angrily back at Kurim. "Considering the HORRIFIC situation I (and Tsukasa) am in, I'm letting you off on calling me 'Subaru-chan' this time!" She hurried into the kitchen with her unusually gleaming axe poised.

"Hehe, only so long until I win her over and DESTORY TSUKASA!" Kurim coughed and whistled away. He seemed to have forgotten about the giant sweatdrop that fell from his head, now lying on the floor. Oh well. Someone should call the janitor and/or get that cleaned up.

* * *

"VAK DO—" 

That's not what I meant, Mirelle.

* * *

Subaru burst through the kitchen doors. "Tsukasa!" She ran to her side. "What did you do, Ginkan!" 

Ginkan stared blankly at Subaru and Tsukasa's limp body. "I put on an oven mitt."

"My god, _why?_"

"Because I like you but not Tsukasa?"

Subaru looked at Ginkan blankly.

* * *

The director was at the snack table. "Where's Subaru? We're doing a scene with her soon." 

B T sipped at her cup of coffee. "I think I saw her running out the kitchen carrying Tsukasa. Tsukasa looked rather dead, though."

* * *

Sorry, but it's been a while since I attempted to use my creative side. Review? 


	2. Something Happens

I don't own .hack/SIGN, though I wish I did.

* * *

Episode 2: Something happens.

* * *

Tsukasa looked up into the rainy sky. "It's raining cats and dogs…"

Maha landed on Tsukasa. "….., ……. ." she apologized and floated away.

"Tsukasa."

"Wha?" Tsukasa was wide-eyed. "Maha, you can talk!"

"I was always able to talk."

She hugged the oversized cat. "You can talk! You can talk! Oh wow, you're really soft."

"Are you okay…."

Subaru poked herself. "I don't think I'm _that_ soft."

Tsukasa opened her eyes. "Maha?"

"Maha's in her trailer." Subaru paused. "Is Maha a boy or a girl?"

"Why don't you go ask her?" Tsukasa blinked a couple of times. "Subaru? Where are you?"

* * *

"Hey Maha!"

Maha faced Subaru. "….?"

"Are you a he or a she?" Subaru asked.

".'. . … ."

"What?"

"… ."

"I can't hear ya. Speak up."

".'. . …, …. ..!"

"Damn Maha, use your vocal cords for once!"

"**.'. . …, … ….. .**!"

"Don't you yell at me!"

".'. … ……. ."

"Speak louder! I can't hear a darn thing you're saying."

". …. …… ."

* * *

Kurim sat in his trailer in front of the mirror, brushing his hair. "I'm a pretty man, I'm a pretty man, I'm a—" A packet fell to the floor. "Whoops!" He bent down and picked it up. "Shouldn't leave my plans to DESTROY TSUKASA lying around. You bad thing! Someone could see you."

"Like me?"

Kurim turned around. "Ginkan? How long were you there!"

"Uh…" He looked at his watch. "Twenty-five hours."

"Impossible. Just an hour ago you were making people faint in the kitchen."

"Oh, that guy? He's Crimson Knight Number Three (CK-3). Hired him to distract people"

Meanwhile, in the kitchen…

CK-3 stood before two shiny reflective silver-colored ovens and said to himself, "I'm a pretty lady, I'm a pretty lady." Twirled around a couple times, frilling his apron. "I feel pretty! All so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and—"

…And moving on before any more unfortunate passersby walks past.

"So…" Kurim started.

"So…" Ginkan also started.

"Why are you here?"

"You know very well why I'm here."

"No, I don't."

"Of course you do. No one else knows about why I'm here or that I'm even here, but you know why."

"Damn you, I don't."

"Ooooh, heh, right. Of course," he took the liberty of winking a few times, "you don't."

"Dude, I'm not gay."

"What?"

"Just tell me why you're here, damn it."

"You know very—"

"Just… shut up."

* * *

"…. ….. .. ….. !"

"God, it's impossible to talk to you, Maha."

* * *

"Oh, that's why you're here." Kurim fingered the horribly hidden packet of plans to DESTROY TSUKASA!

"Took you long enough!"

"So what exactly do you want?"

"You know ve—"

"Oh god, not again."

"Fine fine. I want to team up with ya."

"I'm not gay."

"Never said you were."

"Uhh.."

"Anyways, together, we will be able to DESTROY TSUKASA!"

Kurim whipped out a contract and handed it to Ginkan. "Here ya go!"

"What's this?"

"I'm suing ya."

"Why!"

"'DESTROY TSUKASA!' is _my_ trademark."

"No it isn't."

"Yeah it is."

The trailer door slammed open. Bear poked his head through. "No it isn't."

A book thrown to Bear's head was Kurim's reply.

"Ow, okay okay, I'm going." Rubbing his temple, Bear closed the door.

Ginkan threw the contract to the side. "Seriously, we can just team together until Tsukasa is out of the way. And _then_ we'll separate."

The door creaked slightly open. A faint "No it iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn't…" could be heard.

"SPIRAL PIERCE!"

Bear has been killed by Kurim!

Kurim has gained a level!

Bear logged back in. "No he didn't."

"VAK DON!"

(Darn it Mirelle, go away.)

Bear trudged away with Mirelle.

A piece of paper landed on Kurim's head. "…I'm being sued by Ragnarok for using spiral pierce in a different game?"

Ginkan ripped the paper up. "Anyways, our partnership will last at least until we DESTROY TSUKASA, because, ya know, she's the main reason neither of us can get Subaru."

"I thought you couldn't get her because of your looks," Kurim pondered.

"Oh, so you're saying that you look better than me?"

"Obviously. I've got the buff 'n' exposed chest going on."

"Then why haven't you won her yet?"

"…"

* * *

Tsukasa was in stage 2's kitchen. He saw something cyan or light blue walk into the room. "Hey, Subaru, look! It's a purple cherry cake…. What happened to you?"

Subaru glanced at a couple hundred scratches on her arms and legs and her ripped clothing. "Maha has a horrid temper."

* * *

I'm an impulse writer when it comes to these kinds of writings... but then, without writing the first thing that comes to mind, where's the... um... I'll get back to you on that. 


	3. Kurim and Ginkan's plan

I _wish_ I owned .hack/SIGN...

Beware the seemingly OOC state of everyone in the story.

A merry Christmas to you all. I plan to spend the weekend fangirling over the Xenosaga 2 OST I got for my birthday. And somehow incorporatingChristmas into this "story". /sweatdrop

* * *

**Episode 3: Kurim and Ginkan and their plan.

* * *

**

It was a dark and stormy night. Random lightning strikes behind the .hack/Project studios, giving it a eerie and stereotypically foreshadowing look.

Ginkan looked at section S (Sign), studio building Theta DL, just as a lightning bolt struck again. "God, that's an eerie and stereotypically foreshadowing look of building Theta DL."

Kurim scoffed and leaned his naginata over his shoulder. "That's just Mirelle playing around with thunder spells. Or some wavemaster…"

"Like BT? Didn't you guys have a thing somewhere in or around episode 'Conflict'?"

Kurim's eye twitched. "Let's… not talk about that." Both ventured inside the eerie building Theta DL.

It was dark inside. Kurim and Ginkan had a hard time finding the light switch… and they still haven't, leaving them in the building dimly lit by the light outside.

"Hey, Kurim."

"What?"

"Why are we in building Theta DL, anyways?"

"Because Tsukasa's in there."

"How are you sure?"

"Because!"

"But how are you sure that I'm here?"

"What are you talking about, Ginkan? We walked in together!"

"Ginkan?"

The doors shut behind them, the room going pitch black. But the lights turned on, and Kurim found himself looking at the very person he saw as a demon/heathen/homo or something…

"Ginkan's still outside," Tsukasa said, "silly."

"What did you call me!" Kurim readied his fighting stance.

"Silly?"

"That's it!" He jumped high in the air and brought his blade down into Tsukasa's skull.

Well, that would have happened if Tsukasa hadn't summoned his guardian to deflect the level 99 warrior's blow. Kurim was thrown quite a distance away thanks to the law of physics and elastic collisions.

"I thought the guardian betrayed you in the episode 'Castle' …or after!" Kurim exclaimed in disbelief.

"Well, I saved Mimiru by taking its hit, so technically no, he didn't… but I was talking with Morgana the other day at the snack table in building Delta MA. She offered to let me play around with Guardian before the time to film episode 'Net Slum' came around. Wonder why…"

"But but but…" Kurim sat crosslegged and whacked himself over the head. "This isn't going according to plan! You're supposed to be a helpless little level five wavemaster who would cower as soon as Ginkan and I beat you to the ground and tie you up in the rope he has and then hide you somewhere!"

One may expect Tsukasa to have some kind of reaction to what he just said…

So let's have her react in some way.

"Guardian," was all she had to say before the guardian and Kurim began playing a game of tag, though Kurim was reluctantly the one being chased.

The studio building doors (or at least one of them) slammed opened. Ginkan trudged inside, burnt to the data core.

Tsukasa and Kurim (while he still ran around) looked at Ginkan's overcooked state.

"Ginkan!" Kurim shouted while now running around in circles. "Where have you been!"

"Sorry…" the Silver Knight (in the American version of .hack/SIGN (oo)) sat himself by the seemingly forever replenished snack table. "I ran into BT just after you went in. It's a funny story actually." He casually poured himself a cup of coffee as Kurim ran past with Guardian on his tail. "She asked me why I was around the Theta buildings and I told her that I was with Kurim. Then she went into paralysis or some kind of status and then went magic happy and zapped me with at least… two water spells and three thunders. Well you know how water conducts electricity…" he chuckled. "Hey, what happened between you and BT?"

"SHUT UP AND HELP ME."

"You might want to pick your legs up higher. That guardian will get ya if you keep running like that."

"Okay, just SHUT UP then."

* * *

A few days later… 

Ginkan opened the door of Kurim's trailer. "Hey, someone told me to bring you these 'get well' flowers!"

Kurim stood… or at least he tried to, with a broken leg and multiple bruises. "Who's it from?"

"Dunno. I see an S on the card."

"SUBARU! MY LOVE!" Kurim rushed over, his wounds suddenly gone, grabbing the flowers. He saw that it was only from Sora.

…wait, Sora?

"That bastard wrote 'Loser' all over the card! What is he, a fourth grader!"

Ginkan scratched his head. "Yeah, he is."

Kurim in turn slapped Ginkan over his head. "Idiot, do you realize there are people who haven't seen the last episode of .hack/SIGN yet!"  
"Have we even filmed that yet?"

"Of course we have! .hack/SIGN was released in the US in 2002!" **(which is one of the reasons why the author is depressed from missing Kajiura's first concert at AX 2003.)**

"Then why are we still here in '.hack/Project studios' filming episodes?"

"Because it's for the sake of the story, dope!"

Ginkan went inside Kurim's trailer and made himself comfortable on the couch. "So, are we going to resume 'DESTROY TSUKASA' yet?"

Kurim closed the door and scampered to a table. "Yup, I have a plan B already planned out!" He handed Ginkan a manila envelope.

Ginkan looked inside. "There's nothing here."

"EXACTLY."

"What?" Confusion ensues.

"We shall erase Tsukasa from existence!"

"…how?"

"By using the magic eraser, silly!"

Ginkan gasped loudly. "But that's just a legend!"

"But! Legend has it that BT has the magic eraser in her trailer!"

"I thought you had a thing going wrong with BT…"

"All the more reason to steal from her." At this point Kurim actually seemed to be beaming with pride for such logic.

Ginkan shot him a look that screamed, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Well! If you don't like my plans, think of your own!"

"I think I will!" Ginkan sat cross-legged, thinking of his own brilliant plan. "Aha! I will make Subaru jealous that I give BT more attention than her!"

It was Kurim's turn to shoot Ginkan with his own facial expression. "You IDIOT! Why BT!"

"Because I don't go for younger girls like Mimiru?"

"And yet Subaru's only like… what, 21? And you're 27?"

"You're thinking in terms of after the games. She's 17 now while I'm 23. Tsukasa would be 15 and Mimiru too. I think BT's 20, so it works. :D"

Kurim rolled his eyes. "And yet you're going for someone younger than BT."

"Hey, you were trying for Subaru too!"

* * *

"Suuuuuubaru!" Tsukasa called from atop her pet. 

Subaru returned Tsukasa's call. "Hi Tsuka—what's with the Guardian?"

"Morgana lent him to me! 3. She said I should be able to play with him at least until we have to film Net Slum. What's with episode Net Slum, anyways?"

Unlike Tsukasa apparently, Subaru had already read a little ahead on Net Slum's script. "Uh, well, I'm not sure either…"

"Wanna ride on Guardian with me? I went shopping for some Santa sprites and equips!" Tsukasa put on a Christmas version of her original hat. "We're going trailer to trailer dropping off presents!"

Subaru thought for a while. "Okay!" The guardian picked her up and plopped her on his back. Tsukasa promptly patted a Santa hat on Subaru's head and wrapped a green scarf around her neck.

And away they flew!

* * *

Ginkan went a-knockin' on BT's trailer door. 

And BT went a-"not-here" on him.

"You ARE there, doofus!" Ginkan playfully shouted.

BT didn't seem to take it as playful banter, judging from a very loudly screamed "Vak Don" and a burnt trailer door that flew straight at Ginkan. But since Ginkan and a lot of the other people at .hack/Project studios were pretty used to Mirelle's obsession over the spell, he was barely able to dodge BT's attack. He trotted on inside her trailer anyways.

"What do you want, Ginkan?"

"Well, I've been reading ahead on future episode scripts…. And then I got to episode Catastrophe."

"Yeah, what about it?"

"You've read it? That means you know the battle scene with the silver guardians."

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Doesn't it make you wonder… when I sacrificed my HP for Subaru, why did you kept me alive until Mimiru cut the Data Drain thing from the evil guardians?"

"Well, we couldn't afford to lose any more fighters against the guardian."

"Oh." Ginkan thought for a moment. "No other reason? I mean, you _did_ ask me if I needed a heal."

"Like I said…. we couldn't afford to lose any more fighters against the guardian."

"But in the script you were supposed to say… uh…" he quickly turned away and scanned the Catastrophe script that he stole from some room. "Something about that if I can talk then I could have healed myself?"

"Do you have a point?"

Ginkan obviously wasn't able to bring his point across, so in desperation to say something, "Uh, I know your secret."

That got BT's attention. "Oh really…" she raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. Kurim told me about it."

"That bastard!" Ginkan took BT's sudden rise in voice volume as a sign that he should skedaddle before she went magic crazy.

_Well,_ Ginkan thought as he ran away from BT's burning trailers, _the jealousy plan didn't work (yet)_. _But I followed everything this book I found in the dumpster… _He looked at the book titled _How to get BLT_. The "L" was crossed out. As soon as he got to a safe distance, he looked behind at the burning trailer. There were things flying everywhere, and one of them hit him on the head. Unfortunately for the Ginkan haters, the particle was small and rubbery and had the words "Magic Rub" on it. Ginkan put in his pocket because he thought it was weird to be shot at with a piece of rubber.

* * *

"Fire at BT's trailer by the snow fields building," a voice from the intercom announced calmly. 

Some of the .hack/SIGN cast (namely Sora, Mimiru, Bear, Kurim, Guardian, Maha, Morgana, and Aura) were in the editing room helping to splice random scenes together to form episode "Evidence" and didn't even bother panicking about the fire.

The director looked up from the screen. "Is BT here?"

Everyone else in the room shook their head or said no.

"Oh, that's why."

Ginkan came bursting through the editing room's door, apparently suffering a few burns. "Kurim!"

Everyone else looked at Kurim while Kurim himself remained concentrated on the editing controls.

Ginkan yelled harder. "KURIM!"

Kurim groaned and faced the one calling him. "What is it?"

Ginkan panted, "Problem… with… BT."

Everyone switched their attention from Ginkan and Kurim back to the screen as if nothing happened. Kurim did the same too until…

"And I found this!"

Kurim inspected the rubber piece of whatever that Ginkan held up. "…magic rub… OMGAHD you found this at BT's trailer!" He dragged Ginkan outside the room and shut the door. "This is it!"

"The magic eraser?"

"Yes! We can erase Tsukasa from existence." Kurim threw his hands up in the air out of joy. "You have to be careful, though. That thing's sensitive… HEY!"

Ginkan had already started rubbing at a horn on his helmet with the eraser. The left one was halfway gone.

"Great, now we have to redraw in your horn," Kurim scolded.

Ginkan's facial expression had a bit of confusion. "You mean there's a magic pencil?"

"That's an alternative. Subaru has the magic pencil… or was it Aura? One of them has it." Kurim thought on that. "Actually, Morgana can probably reconfigure your sprite code to regenerate the horn and… HEY! STOP IT!" Ginkan had started rubbing at his right helmet horn. Kurim snatched the magic eraser from him. "NOT A TOY."

Ginkan whimpered. "Give that back! I found it!"

Kurim waved it side to side, keeping it out of the knight's reach. "Not until you learn to behave, idiot!"

"Give it! It's mine!"

In midst of Ginkan's persistence at the eraser and Kurim's constantly waving it around to keep it out of other's reach, a most _terrible_ predicament occurred (oh so horrible). Kurim nearly forgot that the eraser was sensitive and accidentally erased part of Ginkan's face… the eyes, to be exact.

"Turn on the damn lights!" he screamed in idiotic panic. "Oh wait, I don't have eyes anymore."

Kurim proceeded with cursing since Ginkan just began his trip to non-existence. As soon as he finished ranting in dirty words, "Okay, now we've got to find out whether Subaru or Aura has the magic pencil without them knowing that we plan to steal it later."

"Can't we just ask or borrow it?"

"Of course not," Kurim scoffed. "It's a lot more invigorating if we steal it." He skipped off towards the group of trailers between the Delta buildings and Theta buildings, where Subaru's trailer was.

Ginkan sighed. _No wonder Kurim never got Subaru…_ He trudged after the Red Lightning.

* * *

YAY for people who review'd! And those who just read it! 


	4. The Magic Something

No Christmas special really…. Considering how somewhat anachronistic that would be a month late. coughs. Yeah, I'm updating late, but now more often I think less logically so I can 'think' of more things to write.

……

"Ginkan, do you copy? Over."

-krrzzsh-

"I said, 'Ginkan, do you copy? Over.'"

-krrzzsh-

Kurim did a backflip-roll-crouch move behind a desk.

"Ginkan, are you okay? Did something happen? Give me a sign!"

Ginkan bopped Kurim's head with the butt of his sword. "Kurim. I'm right next to you."

**Episode 4!**The Magic Something.

Kurim jumped to his feet, rubbing his head. "What's the big idea? This isn't going to plan!"

"And the plan isn't going with common sense!" Ginkan walked over to the battered door of the trailer they were in, feeling along the walls all the way. "First you use some Vak skill to blow up Subaru's trailer door, and now you're pretend you're on some Mission Impossible assignment."

"It's not pretending; it's being precautious."

"In _Subaru's_ trailer!"

"Uh, well, yes!"

"You're such an idiot."

Kurim threatened Ginkan with the magic eraser by waving it in front of his face, and though Ginkanhad no eyes (or horns) and could not see, he felt threatened anyways.

Ten minutes and a messed up trailer later, the two gave up and headed for Aura's trailer located somewhere in between section 4G, and section D.

"It would seem," Kurim pondered aloud, "that since Subaru hasn't the magic pencil, Aura must have it! It makes all sense!"

"What does?" Ginkan had his arms stretched out since he lacked a blind man's cane.

"That I'm more handsome than you."

Ginkan scowled. "Well obviously! I'm lacking _facial features_ here."

"Watch out! Don't perform this at home!" Kurim poised his weapon.

"This _is_ home, dolt. We live in the studios." Ginkan was quickly interrupted by an explosion. "Kurim!"

"What? It's not as bad as the last trailer." Kurim kicked at the burnt door that had completely fallen off its hinges of Aura's trailer. He looked around inside. "Is it just me or is this place much more spacious than how it looks from the outside?"

Outside it looked like a normal mobile home. Inside it looked like a large field of grass glazed in fuzzy lights with a random circle of trees around a single white bed. In general, it just was the duplicate of Aura's realm in .hack/SIGN before Morgana went mad and left everything to die.

"Man, I didn't know Aura actually liked that kind of place," Kurim commented. "I thought she just reluctantly tolerated the place during the filming, considering all she would do is sleep around."

Ginkan immediately yanked at Kurim's hair. "Of course all Aura 'would do is sleep around'. Don't you ever read the script?"

"Only the important parts."

"Which are, to you?"

"The ones I'm in. Duh."

……

The director leaned back in his chair. "So we're done with episode 'Evidence'?"

Half the people in the editing room were asleep. Actually, only the director, Maha, Aura, and Morgana were awake.

". …. …. …" Maha sighed.

Morgana concurred. "We've been at this for too long… my back is aching like mad."

"… …'. …. _…._ . ….."

"Well, if I _did_ have a back, then it would be aching."

Aura raised her hand. "Question."

"Shoot," the director said.

"You know in episode 'Party', Tsukasa, Bear, and Mimiru were walking down a path and asked another party of female blade people a question? Did the American dubbed version have one of the heavy blade girls voiced by a guy, as did the Japanese version of the episode?"

The director had no answer for that, or at least his face didn't show it. "I… don't know. We don't do the dubs here."

"Another question. Do you think anyone would mind the random changes in art style in episode 'Evidence'?"

"I'm sure they'd notice the episode is a bunch of scenes from the first few episodes and 14 put together to form a point, anyways."

"…, … .. … …….. .. …," Maha noted.

"Gee willikers, you're _right_!" Aura stood up quickly. "To the Bat Cave!"

Morgana stared at her (supposing she has a face). "The what?"

"Uh, to my place!" Aura dashed off to her trailer with Maha and Morgana following.

The director was left behind watching the little specks get smaller and smaller as they went farther. "Oh well. More food for me." He strolled to the snack table.

……

Ginkan and Kurim were already walking out of Aura's trailer before Aura left the building.

"We shouldn't have gone in there," Ginkan said. "What if Aura's really a reserved person who would be insulted by anyone violating her privacy?"

"Then…" Kurim whipped out the eraser again. "Take this!"

Ginkan had felt Kurim's movement and grabbed the eraser. He erased Kurim's hair, leaving the tall man bald.

"Ginkan!" Kurim tried to cover himself with his sleeves. "How could you! My hair's a powerful weapon!"

"And so's your chest. Big deal." Ginkan took a broom and broke of the bristles. With some difficulty he tied them around Kurim's head. "Good as new. It's as if you bleached it and then wrapped a band around your head."

"A sexy band?"

"Yes." The eyeless knight rolled his eyes.

Kurim examined himself in a reflective surface "Damn it, I don't look good with bleached hair!"

……

After a tedious time trying to stuff Ginkan into a dark closet (well, whether it was dark or not didn't really matter), Kurim headed for the kitchen in the Delta MA building. The snack tables always were stocked with the same things every day; he wanted _some_ variety in his diet.

He smelled pie.

And there was Subaru in front of the oven, holding freshly baked white cherry pie.

Kurim was at her side in a blink's time. "Why hello, Subaru!" he greeted loudly, startling Subaru.

"What the hell happened to your hair?" she greeted back.

Kurim patted his broom wig. "Uh, I bleached it. Ya like?"

"Well, anything's an improvement for you."

"What's that pie for?"

Subaru put the hot pie down and waved at it. "It's for Tsukasa."

"I thought she was addicted to purple cherries."

"Yeah, but I figured that since she's doing so nicely with purple cherry withdrawal that she deserves a pastry."

"So you baked a white cherry pie."

"… sure!" She grinned.

Kurim didn't like the way she answered but let it go. "Can I have some pie?"

The grin immediately fled. "Of course not. Wait until Tsukasa gets the first piece."

The tall man didn't like the thought of that. "Oh come on," he tried to cajole sweetly, "just a crumb?"

"Sure." Subaru saw Kurim's smile. "There's some on the floor." She headed for the kitchen doors with the pie.

Kurim nearly blew up; at least judging from the smoke his 'bleached hair' was producing. "Hey hey!" He rushed her.

Kurim did manage to knock the pie out of her hands and also screamed 'NO!' and dived for the pastry.

Subaru poked his head. "Why are you still in slow motion?"

Kurim quickly studied his state of floating in midair. "For dramatic effect. This was entirely intentional for saving your falling pie."

"My pie's fine. I already got it."

Kurim (still floating in the diving position) saw that Subaru was holding the pie. He also saw that she had something else in the other. "Where did you get that pillow?"

Subaru lifted the fluffy 'n' soft thing. "Oh this? I guess it's a pillow. I quickly drew an elliptical shape under the pie to catch it without damaging it."

"Oh, that… explains…" Kurim scratched his head. "Wait, you drew it?"

"Yeah. Aura gave me a magic pencil for Christmas." Subaru held up a black pencil.

Kurim remained in his midair position wide-eyed. "Magic pencil!" He frantically grabbed for the wooden writing utensil though the effort was futile since Subaru easily kept it out of his reach. "Must… steal… without… her… knowing!" Kurim kept waving his hands around trying to get it. Subaru kept going towards the door. "Hey, Subaru, come back!" He observed his position in midair, apparently not going to move too far anytime soon. "Uh, a little help here? Please…?"

……

A couple of hours later Ginkan came into the kitchen.

"Kurim?" he poked Kurim's broom-wig'd head

Kurim raised his head. "Oh, hi." He hung his head back down. "Oh wow, I've moved five inches since Subaru left."

"Two hours ago?"

"Yeah." Something in Kurim's head clicked. He looked at Ginkan's new head now. "How did you get your head back!"

"Oh, Tsukasa drew it back in with Subaru's pencil. Tsukasa's not as bad as I once thought she was… before I knew she was a girl anyways."

"You madman!" Kurim stamped his feet on the ground and stood up. "This is Tsukasa we're talking about! The very guy… girl who has Subaru's heart! We still have to DESTROY TSUKASA."

"Uh, Kurim?"

"What?"

"If you were able to stand up and get out of the slow-motion midair syndrome, why didn't you do it before?"

That got Kurim thinking. "BeforeIwasinslowmotionforthesakeofsavingSubaru'spurplecherrypiebutthenitwasn'tsupposedtolasttwohoursbutrathermaybefivetotenminutesandapparentlyaftertryingtogetoutofitduringthosefivetotenminutesIfellasleepfortwohours—" He whipped out a whiteboard and put on glasses.

Another hour passed. Ginkan was getting bored with Kurim's lecture chock full of the theory of quantum grunties..

"You know…" Ginkan interrupted, "at this rate we're going to be late for the karaoke party." He stood up.  
"What karaoke party!" Kurim erased the whiteboard with the magic eraser… essentially erasing the whiteboard itself.

"The one that we're going to be late for."

"Well let's go then!" Kurim dashed out the door and ran into Tsukasa, both falling over.

"Ow," Tsukasa stated. "Hey, Kurim, since when were you bald?"

"What?" Kurim felt his head. "ACK! MY BROOM WIG! I mean darn it the bleach must have eaten away at it… MY GOD MY HAIR!"

"No problems! Subaru let me play with this!" Tsukasa exclaimed. She whipped out Subaru's magic pencil and drew back Kurim's hair. "See?"

"Yeah missed my bangs."

"Sorry." She drew that in. "Now you're just as if you never lost your hair."

Kurim stared wide-eyed into a mirror that miraculously appeared in his hands. "I'm hot again! Well, hotter than when I had blond hair! I love you Tsukasa!" He glomped her, though after some time he realized the grave thing he did (grave for him anyways). He immediately let go and screamed, "Uh, PARTY!" and ran outside the building, leaving behind Ginkan and Tsukasa.

"Does Kurim even know where the party is?" Tsukasa asked.

"I dunno," Ginkan replied.

Tsukasa drew two large rectangles. Kurim popped out of one and into the other.

"What the heck is that?" Ginkan asked.

"I drew two portals, one that lead from where Kurim was and the other that leads to the North Pole."

"North… pole?"

……

Meanwhile, at the North Pole:

"OH MY GOD SANTA IS REAL!" Kurim screamed.

Santa stared at him. "I'm sure I am. Aren't you cold?"

"Yeah, a bit. But as along as I get the ladies I'm fine." Kurim looked around. "So where am I?"

"You're right on the North Pole."

"Really? Sweet. Is it just me or are the stars moving?"

"Apparently that's because you're directly on the north point of the Earth's turning axis."

"So if I were to stand on one foot and sing 'Yasashii Yoake' without falling over, I can beat Balmung at karaoke in talent AND skillz?"

"Sure…" An alarm sounded. "Crap, one of my penguins left the oven running."

"Penguins?" Kurim asked while trying to remain standing on one foot.

"Yeah, you see, people think I use elves for labor, but that's just wrong and inhumane. I use penguins and dodos."

"Aren't dodos extinct?"

"There's a reason why you don't seem them around anymore."

That took Kurim a while to figure.

……

Yeah, I did lessen the 'funny factor'. oo But for some reason I wanted some kind of plot… but plots are no fun, right?

Reviews are nice. :3


	5. Party the other one

I get bored easily.

By the way, even though many of you may have figured already, I don't own .hack/SIGN or any of the .hack/ project. I have only MP3s and an obsession over Subaru cough.

……………………………………………………

**Episode 5!** Party (the other episode)

Maha floated to the microphone up at the front with a floating violin. She cleared her throat.

"… … …. ….. ….., .. …. ….. ………

… .. …., … …. …….. …. …….

.. … …. .. ……..? .. … …. ……?

…. … … ….. ….. …., ……. … ……

"… …… … …… …. ……

… …… …… … …….

… … .. …. …. …. …. ….

…..'. …. … .. …… … ……."

Ginkan leaned over to BT. "Who's at the violin?" he whispered.

"That's Morgana," BT said drinking her coffee all the while. "I heard she's been taking lessons from Aura."

"Damn, she's good."

Maha and Morgana finished their performance with a bow and floated away.

"I LOVE YOU MAHA!" Tsukasa screamed as Subaru dragged her.

Bear came up on stage. "Give it up for Morgana's violin solo! Whoo!" He clapped.

Sora shouted, "You stink!" A flaming ball lands on him.

"Sorry, staff slipped," said BT. She resumed to her coffee.

Aura floated to Bear and whispered something in his ear. "Oh, and Maha for that lovely song." He went blank. To Aura he whispers back, "She sang something?" Aura nodded and floated away. "Anyways, who do we have next?"

While Subaru and Tsukasa rap out "Fake Wings Make Decision", Maha and Morgana floated to Aura's table in the corner. "Any word on Kurim, yet?" she asked.

"……., …." Maha said.

"We're still looking for him," Morgana said.

"Damn it, does he know that we know what he did to my trailer? My teddy bear's torn up, for Hoerwick's sake! TORN!" Aura began sobbing.

"..'. ….," Maha comforted. She patted the girl's back. "..'.. …. … ………."

"Mhm," Morgana concurred. "I remember last glimpsing him running into a rectangle in the middle of nowhere and disappearing and Tsukasa and Ginkan was there too."

Aura and Maha stared at Morgana. "And you didn't say that earlier why?"

"The subject never came up."

"MY TEDDY BEAR WAS RUINED BECAUSE OF KURIM, DAMN IT!" Aura shouted.

Everyone in the building looked their way.

"So.. uh.." Bear coughed. "Let's give a hand to Subaru and Tsukasa."

Tsukasa took off her headphones. "We're not even done yet."

"Shut up."

……………………………………………………

"So you're not really married?"

"Nope." Santa ate a cookie. "Take one, Kurim."

"Oh, thanks." Kurim added a cookie to his already growing plate of cookies. "So you don't really go to everyone's houses on Christmas?"

"Nope."

"Then how?"

Santa hesitated. "Promise not to tell anyone?"

_Of course not,_ he thought. "Of course," he said.

"Clones."

Kurim showed his surprise. "What?"

"Yup. I clone myself sometime in November a few hundred times, stick the cells in capsules, and then add water later in December." He chewed on cookies.

"So why haven't I seen any of your clones?"

"Fuel."

Kurim stared aghast at him. "…fuel?"

"My clones are temporary, grown in a relatively quick time (1:35:25 hours) and last for the entire year as fuel (for heating and…. other things)… at least until I water my clones again."

Kurim's face lessened a bit in surprise, but still. _This is jolly ol' St. Nick?_

"You humans are such imaginative liars."

Kurim's face went into complete startled mode. "What?"

"I read your mind. I don't know why you guys call my jolly or something as if I was the greatest philanthropist in the world. I 'use' my clones to heat the home, for Big Bang's sake."

_I'm going to ignore that_.

"Yeah, yeah, cling on to your childhood beliefs…"

……………………………………………………

"I like to move it move it! I like to move it move it!" Sora kept at the chant and dancing all the while on stage. Horribly, might I add?

But no one complained. They couldn't anyways… since Sora paid Morgana some cold hard cash to keep knives afloat at their throats.

So while Sora chanted the words over and over again to the same dance movements, everyone except for Morgana, Maha, and Aura had their lives at stake.

"..'. …….. .. …." Maha scoffed.

Aura nodded in descent. "Why are you willing to put up with this, Morgana?"

"Cash."

"Ah, got it."

"……. … .. … …." Maha begged. ".'. …… …. .'.. …. .. ……."

"You won't lose your hearing." Morgana rolled her eyes.

"Well," Aura said, "if you're not going to stop it the discord, then I will." She stood up and extended a hand. All the floating knives obeyed her command and flew at Sora, barely missing his body but pinning him to the wall.

"This is an outrage!" Sora screamed. "I'm too young to be rejected! NU!"

Aura nodded to Morgana. "Please."

Morgana nodded back and summoned a miniature Skeith to Sora's side. Sora immediately shut up.

Bear, sweating and dreary, trudged to the microphone. "Okay… who's next? And please don't suck."

Balmung stood up, raising his hand frantically. "I wanna go! I wanna go!"

"Like I said," Bear repeated, "Who's next, and please don't suck."

"Pleeeeeease?" Balmung persisted. He jumped up and down.

"No, Balmung. The last time you came up… something happened." Bear looked around, and saw Mimiru raising her hand too. "Okay, Mimi—"

"Damn it, I am Balmung of the Azure Sky!" Balmung fumed back. "Orca!"

A green man came up to Bear and shoved him aside. "Okay, who's next?" he spoke into the mike.

Balmung stood up, raising his hand frantically. "I wanna go! I wanna go!"

"Okay, Balmung."

"YES! In your face, Mimiru!" he taunted.

"Oh yeah?" Mimiru stood up, her blade ready.

"Oh, so you want to bring it on?"

"I'm not afraid!"

"Fine! TEAM PERFECT DARK ARENA!" Balmung screamed. The two were transported into Area 52 from Perfect Dark N64. "And since I said 'team', I choose Orca as one of my members."

"What?" Mimiru exclaimed. Orca was transported to his side. "Well, I choose… Bear!"

Just as Bear woke up from his state of unconsciousness inflicted upon him by Orca, he was transported to Mimiru's side.

Balmung scoffed. "Loser! I choose Subaru!"

"What a weakling. I choose Kurim! Where _is_ Kurim, anyways?"

……………………………………………………

"Well, reindeers weren't always a lie," Santa explained.

"Really?" Kurim was incredulous, considering that everything else about Santa seemed to be a lie.

"Yeah. I used to use reindeer, but then technology advanced, so I updated my systems."

"What happened to your reindeer?"

"Oh, they're just lying around in the building next to my house."

Kurim saw the building through a window. He noticed a silhouette of a reindeer and what looked like wine. "Oh, wait, there's something I've been meaning to ask you since—" He was interrupted, transported to Mimiru's side. "Santa Claus?"

"What? No, it's me, Mimiru."

"What! NOOOOO! SANTA! Wait, what am I doing here in Area 52? And why are Bear, BT, you, and I here?"

"Team arena. Something about Perfect Dark."

"Team? Who's on the other team?"

Fireballs shot past them. At instinct Mimiru and Kurim took off down a corridor.

"I think," Mimiru panted, "Balmung, Orca, Subaru, and Mireille."

"What! Subaru!"

Speak of the devil. She was standing right in front of them.

Mimiru and Kurim kept running. "Subaru's only level 15," Mimiru pointed out. "She can't be too much trouble."

And that's when Subaru used the magic pencil Tsukasa returned to her to draw a Dragon automatic and aimed it straight at them. Mimiru and Kurim halted immediately and turned back only to halt at the sight of a fiery Mireille. "Crap," Kurim murmured.

"This way!" Mimiru dragged Kurim into a small tunnel where they both picked up shields.

……………………………………………………

Meanwhile, back in the studio building where the party was being held, the ones left were Sora, Skeith, Ginkan, Tsukasa, Morgana, Maha, and Aura, watching them on a jumbo screen.

"Man, look at them go," Sora commented.

Skeith and Ginkan nodded in agreement.

"It's a good thing I returned the pencil to Subaru," Tsukasa chuckled.

The AMM gang where watching from their table in the corner. "I hope Kurim dies," Aura said, "though I want to kill him myself later."

Sora went around holding a bowl. "Bet on team, who will it be, Mimiru or Balmung? Step right up and bet your amount here!"

"… …. … … ….. .. …?" Maha asked Morgana.

"Hm, I guess I'll bet 5000 gold on Balmung."

"…."

"Hey, I'm no wimp! Just careful."

"… … . …."

"Well, how much are _you_ betting?"

Maha dropped 30000 gold into the pot.

"Are you crazy?" Maha grinned evilly at Morgana. "Fine, I'll put in 35000 gold."

Maha scoffed. She dropped another 10000 gold.

"Show off!" Morgana added 5000 gold to the pile.

"'Ey 'ey 'ey!" Aura interrupted. "Save your cash for something that's important, 'kay?"

"But Aura, kid, this is my pride on the line."

"… .'. ………. ….. .. … ..!" Maha taunted

"Oh, just wait until Balmung's team wins!"

……………………………………………………

"Oo, pretty gun!" Kurim squealed. He quickly ran to get it, setting the mine off and getting blown up in the process. The smoke cleared and he sat dazed.

Mimiru shook her head in disappointment. "That's a mine, dolt"

"Well, I kinda figured that already!" Kurim shouted angrily.

"Luckily your shield kept you from dying, but now it's gone. How are you going to keep yourself alive until you get another one?"

Kurim saw Mirelle next to the entrance, just about shooting a fireball at them with a cute little grin. He grabbed Mimiru and held her like a human shield to take the blast for him. "And that's how I'll keep myself alive," he remarked. Both scampered away, dodging Vak Dons.

Though they managed to lose the pyromaniac freak that is Mirelle in this story, they were confronted by a much larger and buffer green man wielding a sword.

"Oh… hey Orca." Kurim waved a small one.

"I hate red," Orca stated back.

"Heheh, I can figure that, since you're green." Kurim kept on smiling.

"Give me three reasons for not killing you right now."

"Uh…." Kurim looked around and grabbed the nearest thing. "Here! Here is a reason!"

"Mimiru?"

"Kurim, put me down please," Mimiru requested shakingly. "Hi Mr. Greenman."

"I'm Orca, ya delinquent," Orca corrected assertedly.

"Yeah…"

To Kurim, Orca asked, "So how is Mimiru a reason why I shouldn't kill you?"

Kurim put Mimiru down. "Ya see, she's really your long lost daughter."

"What?" the green giant and Mimiru said in unison.

"Yeah, uh, and I'm on her team… so by killing me that portrays you as an inconsiderate man who doesn't care who he kills. Heck, you might as well kill Mimiru if you're that kind of per—" Kurim was promptly interrupted by Orca, who currently had him by the throat above ground. He drew out his sword and prepared to swing.

SLASH!

Orca fell to the ground. Bear was behind him, his blade poised and covered in his temporary for-the-sake-of-realism blood.

"Yo, Bear!" Kurim choked for air. "Nice… going." Kept coughing.

"Why are you wearing a black face mask?" Mimiru asked.

"To add to the whole ninja assassin look," Bear explained. He shot a pose. "How do I look?"

"Like an idiot. You don't even have a black shirt."

"Well, it didn't seem right. Besides, that's not the only reason why I'm wearing a face mask."

"Oh?"

"Nope. Another reason is that," Bear pulled off his face, revealing it to be Balmung's face. "I'm Balmung!"

"What!" Mimiru was freaked out both by the fact that Balmung has Bear's body and her death was evidently soon.

"No, not really." Balmung pulled off his face to reveal himself as Bear (again). Mimiru sighed. "So, where to?"

Kurim shot back up after a few minutes of getting his air back. "Check the radar."

Mimiru pulled out a two-dimensional radar. "We're here… and the 'briefcase' that we have to get is there. I think we're supposed to have it by the time the game ends."

"So I guess we run around until we find the briefcase," Bear concluded. He got konked on the head and fell down. BT was behind him, evidently the one who did it.

"Take that Orca!" she sneered.

"BT!" Mimiru and Kurim exclaimed, though Kurim's tone of voice was more on the… 'oh crap' side.

"Orca's dead already!" Mimiru scolded.

"Well duh, I just killed him," BT rolled her eyes.

"No, I mean, Orca was dead long before! That's his body over there!"

"Oh."

"Hey," Kurim poked, "Why don't dead bodies in here revive elsewhere right away?"

Mimiru thought about playing Perfect Dark a while back. "The player doesn't automatically revive. He has to restart himself."

"So why hasn't Orca restarted himself yet?"

……………………………………………………

In the bathroom, Orca was in front of the mirror, brushing his hair. "I think I'll take a walk outside now, the sunshine's calling my name! I hear you now; I just can't wait inside all day na na na na na na na na!" Orca started to get really into the song, jumping to the beat. "Everybody's smiling! It's a sunshine day!"

……………………………………………………

"Maybe he's 'AFK' ('away from keyboard'). I guess Bear is too since he hasn't revived yet."

Silence passed.

Kurim tried to make conversation. "So what have you been doing, BT?"

"Oh… just looking for the coffee dispensers," BT answered. "My thermos supply is running low.

Mimiru rolled her eyes. "There ARE no coffee dispensers in—" she started but Kurim covered her mouth.

"Uh… What Mimiru was saying is that we didn't see any coffee dispensers around here." Kurim shook his head and grinned all the while. "Nope. Nada. Zilch. We'll tell ya if you see any."

"Okay!" BT turned around. "Oh, hi Mireille!"

Kurim and Mimiru went wide-eyed. "RUN!" They both screamed and ran.

BT looked after them cluelessly. "What? It's only Mirelle," she said as a fireball whizzed past her head and set one of the dead bodies (Orca or Bear) on fire. "Okay, that can't be good."

"RUN, DAMN IT," Kurim screamed from afar.

"Oh, right." BT ran.

By the time BT caught up with the other two still living people, Kurim was at the window.

"Why is it that you can break the window but you can't fall out?" Kurim look out the broken window. "Nice view, though."

Mimiru decided to ignore him and run on. BT followed suit. Mireille came by the lone Kurim and whapped him over the head. Instead of getting the desired result of him falling to his death, Kurim fell against the invisible wall of a physically inaccurate boundary. Mireille kept bashing at him anyways. (It was fun.)

"We're close to the hill!" Mimiru shouted to BT. "Do you think it was okay to leave Kurim back there?"

"Yup!" BT was confident in her answer. "I gave him three of my coffee thermoses so if he keeps using them he should last a while."

……………………………………………………

"For the love of Hoerwick, Kurim!" Mireille cursed, still clubbing him, "Quit healing yourself!"

……………………………………………………

Whoosha, silver medallion! One step closer to ruling the WORLD. Ignore me and review.


	6. Violence Solves Everything

I have resorted to typing whatever comes to my mind for this illogical fanfic and drawing stuff on the Paint program.

And apparently the humor factor needs improvement. Quite sorry. I'll go twirl around in circles until I scream for death and then eat the candy with the childproof caps containers.

* * *

**Episode 6!** Violence solves everything.

"Okay, now you're just running in circles." BT stopped for air.

"How do you know?" Mimiru also stopped.

BT pointed to the two dead bodies of Orca and Bear, both monochromatic, but only one of them was blacker than usual. Actually, he was just burned beyond normal restoration.

"Uh, which one's Bear?" Mimiru knelt by one. "I can't tell without their colors."

"Go by their face design."

"Ew, god, they're both face down (I think). I'm not touching their dead corpses! You touch them."

"What makes you think that because _you_ don't want to touch them means that I won't mind?"

"Didn't you have a thing with Bear before?"

"Yeah, but not Orca!"

"Really? Considering how people who had things with, I would think you'd have one with him."

BT narrowed her eyes. "Duck!" she screamed.

Mimiru immediately ducked. Nothing happened, though. Nothing of what she expected anyways.

"Aw, what's a cute little duck doing here?" BT knelt down to pet the duck. Mimiru wondered the same.

"Oh, I just drew it now," said Subaru, who was standing at the end of the hall wield her axe in one hand and the magic pencil in the other.

"What's that ticking?" BT wondered aloud.

"Nothing. I just felt like adding a bomb to the duck's underside."

"WHAT!" BT kicked the duck bomb at Subaru. Both Mimiru and BT ran. Behind them they heard a boom. They stopped and waited for the smoke to clear. They saw a standing silhouette laughing. Subaru had drawn a line to deflect the explosion. Mimiru and BT ran for the hill near by. "You'd think that she'd have a fiery aura to go with that maniacal laugh."

Mimiru looked back while still running. "You just HAD to say that."

BT looked also and saw that Subaru was on fire though not burning. And her clothes had turned pink.

"In here! Up the tower! There's the briefcase!" Mimiru and BT scampered up into the balcony. "Shield, now!"

"Oh, no," BT refused. "Not until I get paid."

"Paid what!"

"Coffee. Duh."

Mimiru was at a loss, but she saw Subaru advancing. "Shield now, coffee later!"

"No."

"Damn it!" Mimiru bapped BT's head. "NOW."

BT shielded the door just before Subaru entered. Subaru pounded at the shield.

"Uh, Mimiru?" BT asked. "Can't Subaru just draw a hole in my magic shield?"

"Oh, say it out loud why don't you!"

Subaru drew ducks on BT's magic shield. They came to life, ticking all the while.

"Crud." Mimiru golfed at them using her blade as a club. The duck bombs exploded somewhere in midair off in the distance. One of them hit the ground below the balcony and exploded.

"AUGH! MY BEAUTIFUL WINGS!" Balmung screamed, horrified that his wings were damaged and blackened from the explosion. He took them off and held them high. "Subaru! Down here stat!"

Subaru was quick to obey. She was in front of Balmung in the blink of Mimiru's eye when she noticed Subaru ceased drawing duck bombs.

"Fix my wings," Balmung begged Subaru. Just as she was about to, BT shot a couple of bolts at them.

"Take that, bozos!" BT laughed. She stopped, though, as soon as Mireille ran out and shot up at the balcony base.

Mimiru and BT ducked for cover. "Wait a minute," Mimiru pondered. "Wasn't Mireille beating the crap out of Kurim? Where is he?"

Mireille and BT exchanged magic attacks. Mireille offered the explanation while doing so: "I finally killed Kurim, but because he was a dead body and therefore no longer an actual part of the game, he fell through the window."

"What! He's gone!"

Kurim fell from the sky and onto Mimiru. "What the hell," he muttered.

"Guess not. Get off me!" Mimiru shoved him off.

Kurim got up and observed the battlefield, which consisted of Mireille shooting at them with BT shooting right back and Subaru drawing Balmung's wings back. "Oh. My. GOD." Kurim leapt into the air over the balcony wall. "I'll save you Subaru!" He landed right by Balmung and Subaru.

"What's that bastard doing?" BT yelled.

"Committing suicide?" Mimiru dashed down the stairs to help. What she saw both horrified and amused her.

"You're not Subaru!" Kurim screamed. "You're a man!" He tugged at the alleged fake Subaru's hair. In that moment, he proved himself correct, pulling off the entire facemask. "Orca!"

"Damn it, I've been caught!" said Orca, still wearing the rest of the Subaru clothing. "… if it weren't for those meddling kids."

"Where's Subaru!" Kurim demanded, holding Orca by the neck.

"You don't need to know where Subaru is," a voice behind Kurim said. Before Kurim could turn around, Balmung brought his blade down on his head, spewing blood everywhere. He fell limp to the ground and turned monochromatic. "Dog eat dog world." Balmung chuckled.

"It sure is!" Mimiru screamed. She stabbed Balmung in his back. He too fell dead. "Teehee," Mimiru chuckled, blood stains all over her. She stared at Orca.

Orca was aghast as Mimiru took aim upon him with her blade. He scrambled out of his Subaru costume and ran away as Mimiru chased after him.

* * *

"What the heck," Ginkan said, eating potato salad. "When did Orca get the Subaru suit?"

"I guess he drew it after he respawned," Tsukasa concluded.

"That's some tight curves, I must admit," Sora commented.

"He drew it?"

"Yup." Tsukasa poked at her salad. "Subaru had to go to the bathroom so she let Orca borrow it."

A flushing sound came from the ladies' restroom. Subaru came out and sat by Tsukasa. "So what did I miss?"

"Oh, nothing," Sora sighed. "Just Balmung killing Kurim and Mimiru killing Balmung."

"That's just great. My team is losing."  
Ginkan looked at her weirdly. "Aren't you going to go back in?"

"Nah. I need to eat."

"While Orca is getting chased by Mimiru!"

"Sure." Subaru turned to Tsukasa. "Going to finish your chicken?"

"Go ahead." Tsukasa handed her the plate.

They ,Sora, Ginkan, Subaru, Tsukasa, and the AMM gang, continued eating and watching the screen. So far Orca and Mimiru had gotten in a blade duel; BT and Mireille have resorted to summoning random animals at each other. "Oooh!" everyone shouted at the sight Mireille frying _and_ blowing a turkey up into smithereens. Subaru immediately spat the bite of chicken leg she was chewing into a napkin and pushed away her plate.

* * *

BT ducked for cover as a cow flew over her head. Kurim came into the tower.

"Kurim!" BT exclaimed. "You've respawned!"

"Yeah," Kurim said. "But I have only two more lives left and a nasty headache. What did I miss?"

"Orca managed to stab Mimiru."

"That's nice. What's happening now?"

"Mireille hasn't died yet and still at it with the goats… or was that a cow? I always get those mixed up. When we were at the west tower, she set that on fire. That's why it's not there anymore and we moved the briefcase to this tower. Oh, do me a favor."

"What?"

BT handed Kurim the briefcase. "Guard this with your life." BT climbed out the tower and jumped, screaming, "BANZAI". She swung her staff at Mireille, who managed to dodge BT upon hearing her scream. A staff fight ensued between the wavemasters.

Kurim stood by in the tower watching. He sighed, "Cat fight. Can this get any better?" He blinked at the action below. "Wasn't that move in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon?" After a while, Kurim squinted. "Are they playing hockey with a shield? Dude! Don't leave me out!" Kurim jumped out the tower. "I wanna play hockey."

BT and Mireille immediately stopped. "Sorry, uh, it's not fair to play with uneven teams," BT said. Mireille stuck out her tongue.

"Ooh, you're just saying that because I'm a boy," Kurim whined. "We can play three teams! Let me play!" Kurim jumped up and down.

Mireille jumped in front of him. "No boys allowed!"

Kurim held his blade to Mireille's throat. "Let. Me. _Play_."

Mireille remained silent.

"What do you say now?"

Mireille rolled her eyes. "Ok, fine, you can play. You have to choose a team name, though."

Kurim set his weapon by his side. "Hm, a team name…"

"Yeah, something like _VAK DON_!"

Kurim was fried instantly on the spot. He revived in the tower where he left the briefcase.

"Phoo."

A ding sounded. The round ended.

And the light went out.

* * *

Subaru sighed. "I could use some udon."

"Why don't you cook it, then?" Ginkan suggested.

"Uh… good idea! Where's my pencil?"

"Doesn't Orca have it?"

She whapped her forehead. "Drats. I have to go back in and get it? Sheesh." Subaru started for the Nintendo 64 console but tripped over a cord. The jumbo screen went out, pitch black. Subaru saw her mistake, as did everyone else as they stared, surprised. "Whoops."

Maha floated up to see what happened exactly. ".. …."

"What?" Morgana and Aura asked.

"… ….. …. .. … ……. … …………"

"Oh, that's just great."

"Uh… that isn't going to affect them too much, right?" Ginkan asked.

* * *

Kurim stood in front of a Chaos Gate in a Dun Loireag-ish setting. "Mimiru? Can you logout?" He looked around. "Mimiru?" No Mimiru. "Great. I'm alone."

"No you're not," BT said in a sultry voice. She glomped him from behind. "You have me."

Kurim screamed

But then he woke up.

…in a Dun Loireag-ish setting, staring into BT's eyes.

"GET AWAY FROM ME," he cried.

"About time you've awoke," BT said. "Oi, Mireille! The ol' Lightning Bolt woke!"

Mireille ran to them. "Does the Chaos Gate work?"

BT shook her head.

"What happened?" Kurim asked.

"We got booted out of Area 52 and defaulted back to here."

"What about the people who died?" Kurim thought a moment. "What happened to Bear anyways? Was he AFK all this time?"

* * *

"Oh god, Brian!" Bear cried to the TV screen. "Don't kiss her! She's your long lost half-sister _and_ has a boyfriend but is cheating on him with another woman! OH GOD DON'T DO IT!"

"To be continued," the TV announced. "Tune in on next week's 'Just Another Day'."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!21121!" Bear said while falling to his knees.

* * *

"Which outlet does it go into!" Ginkan cried.

"How am I supposed to know?" Subaru asked. "All I did was trip on one of them."

"… … … ……. .. .. …. …… … …. ….. …." Maha noted.

"How was I supposed to know that the cord I tripped over was the main power cord?"

"What's going to happen to the players inside?" Tsukasa asked.

Balmung and Orca appeared high in midair and fell down onto the stage.

Ginkan ran to them. "What happened in there?"

Balmung got up first, rubbing himself in places he bruised upon landing. "What do you mean? Didn't you guys have a screen? Why's it all black?"

"Subaru disconnected the main power cord."

"I _tripped_ over it," Subaru corrected.

"What?" Balmung was oblivious. "Nothing really happened. I died and when I tried to revive I landed here."

"Same with me," Orca said. "What of Mimiru's team and Mireille?" He looked around. "Subaru? You didn't come back!"

"Uh, yeah," Subaru tried to say casually. "I got distracted."

"But… you said you were coming back…" Orca whimpered. "I thought we had something!"

"What!" Subaru looked frantically around and saw Tsukasa's eyes narrow. "What are you talking about? What makes you think that?"

"Uh…" Orca hesitated. "You said to me you were coming back after you went to the bathroom."

"That's it? Sheesh. Sorry, only Tsukasa."

Tsukasa blushed, supposing that was possible with her pale skin.

"By the way," Subaru remembered, "Got my pencil?"

Orca hung his head. "Uh…no."

"You do. Come on, give it."

"No."

"Give it!"

"NO!"

Subaru lunged for Orca's hand that was evidently holding the magic pencil. Orca held it back and ran around the room with Subaru running after him with her axe swinging at him.

"You old man! You're doing it all wrong!" Sora complained.

"What are you talking about?" Ginkan said.

"You didn't have to pull out all 50 of the cords!"

Ginkan looked at the empty outlets and the mess of cords. "Well, how else was I supposed to know which one Subaru tripped over?"

"By looking for any _unused_ outlets! Subaru only disconnected one."

"I tripped over it! It was by accident!" Subaru screamed while still chasing Orca for her magic pencil.

Sora ignored that comment. "What is it about simple logic and technology that turns old people into even older idiots?"

"I'm 23, for your information!" Ginkan cried.

"That's old."

"Is not!"

Sora rolled his eyes. "Is too."

Ginkan's eyes narrowed into angry slits, but of course no one really knows that since he dons a helmet concealing his eyes. "Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

Ginkan slapped Sora. "I'm not old."

Sora stared at him, rubbing his face.

"Oh, did I make you cry, baby?" Ginkan mocked. "I'm soww—"

Sora punched him. "You old stupid geezer!

"Oh, that's it!" Ginkan took out his sword.

Sora unsheathed his blades and jumped high into the air. Ginkan followed suit. They both flew at each other, their blades poised to strike. At the last moment they went into slow motion. The background immediately changed into rapidly moving lines until both got close to each other enough to hit each other. A giant spark light ignited from their weapons locking. Both ricocheted back from the blow. Ginkan landed his feet against a wall and jumped off, flying towards Sora. Sora jumped off a column and dodged Ginkan's swing. Ginkan hit instead the column, which broke into two and fell crumbling to the ground.

Orca and Subaru had long stopped their own chase when Ginkan and Sora started exchanging what they thought of Ginkan's age and with Tsukasa and Balmung sat down at a table and ate popcorn. Everyone's heads in unison followed Sora and Ginkan as they flew around

"Who do you think's gonna win?" Orca asked. He grabbed a handful of popcorn.

"Sora," Balmung stated mouth full. "Definitely Sora. Ginkan's a total black 'n' white arrogant idiot."

"I don't think he's that bad," Subaru commented.

"That's because he sucked up to you until Tsukasa came along. He thought you went soft."

"Is it my fault Tsukasa's so adorable?"

"If I was adorable, you'd make me purple cherry pie," Tsukasa said.

"Of course I wouldn't. You'll get addicted again."

"No I won't. Please?" Tsukasa made puppy eyes.

"Oh, okay," Subaru succumbed. She got up. "Tell me how it ends, okay?" She left for the kitchen.

Tsukasa set up a camera on a tripod and began filming. When Ginkan and Sora saw the camera running they immediately halted in midair.

"What are you doing!" Ginkan demanded.

"Uh, filming you," Tsukasa said.

"You can't do that without our permission!"

"I'm going to be a star!" Sora shouted and did a pose. "Film me, hun."

"Hey!" Ginkan yelled at Sora. "Well, I'm not up for this! I'm suing you, Tsukasa." He threw a piece of paper aimed at Tsukasa. It floated onto the stage away from the desired target. "Sora, go pick it up."

"What? No way, old man. Go crack your dying back and pick it up yourself."

"Why you little—" their battle resumed.

Tsukasa went over and picked the paper up. "Ginkan's filing a lawsuit against me for violating his privacy? All I did was try record them."

"I SUE THEE!" Ginkan cried, pointing a shaky finger at Tsukasa while flying around the room trying to get his hands about Sora's neck for much much strangling.

Balmung noticed something. "No one's trying to get the cords back in order?"

Orca shrugged.

"Maybe we should do something.  
Orca said, "Nah."

"I wonder what will happen to those guys still in there…"

"What guys?" Mimiru asked. She seemed to pop out of nowhere for them, but apparently she was standing there the whole time since Balmung and Orca came.

Balmung turned around. "Oh, just Kurim, BT, and Mireille. How did you get back?"

"Oh, I tried to revive but ended up in building DL. Used a sprite ocarina to come here since the gates didn't work."

* * *

"No one has an effun sprite ocarina!" Kurim yelled.

"No. It didn't hold my coffee very well," BT said, holding out a dripping and sparking sprite ocarina.

"What about you, Mireille?"

"Uh," Mireille thought a bit. "I thought they were ducks, and let me tell you, they don't cook well."

"Great," BT sighed. "We're in the same spot as Tsukasa."

"What!" Kurim cried. "I refuse to be anything like Tsukasa!"

"…maybe if you were, you'd have a much better chance with Subaru," BT commented.

"… I will remember that, BT," Kurim seethed between his teeth. "LET ME OUT!" he screamed at the Chaos Gate and began kicking it. "Work! Damn! It! Work! Work! Work!" He turned around. "Help me get this working… where did you guys go?"

* * *

"BT!" Ginkan said. "And Mireille! How did you get back from Area 52?"

BT dusted herself off. "While Kurim kept kicking the gate, the Chaos Gate suddenly turned on and we logged out."

"What of Kurim, then?"

"Who?"

* * *

I swear I can make it funny again. (nods) Let me just take these miracle pills and review please. :D 


	7. The Psychologist's Office

Heeeello there.

clears throat Visit the site fantasywriters. for my four-year-and-still-counting-online friend's sake. Don't make me sell you to Bear. I've got the keyboard ready…

* * *

**Episode 7!**Field Trip.

* * *

"Wilson!" Kurim screamed, on the ground at his knees. "Don't leave me! Please don't jump! I promise I won't dribble you around without your permission anymore!"

The grunty took one glance at the man and leapt over the cliff.

"NO!" Kurim screamed for two minutes. He sadly watched the grunty float away. "…he didn't return my Yuki Kajiura CD…" he narrowed his eyes. "I GAVE YOU THOSE SUNGLASSES!" Behind him he heard a familiar sound.

"Oi," BT called. Kurim turned around to see her by the Chaos Gate. "Why haven't you logged out of Dun Loireag yet?"

"… I… can't log out."

"The gate's been working for three hours." BT paused. "Are you crying?"

"NO!" Kurim stood up, attempting a poised posture, chest stuck out. "I never cry! I never have, and never will, even if my first and only grunty that I've raised since I was level 3 leaves m-me… MY GOD WHY!" Kurim shut his eyes. "Mustn't.. cry.." Kurim ran away from BT, eyes still closed, and fell off the cliff.

By then had BT logged back out.

* * *

BT gated back next to the never-finished snack table. A few people were there.

"Where's Kurim?" the director asked.

"Oh…" BT mulled. "Still in building DL floating around."

Then they heard a ding from the kitchen. A cyan streak whizzed past into the kitchen. "Woo hoo!" the cyan thing's voice cried. "Blue cherry pie DO-O-NE!" Subaru popped back out of the kitchen just as Tsukasa entered the building. The wavemaster somehow landed on top of Subaru within a second of smelling the pastry. Fortunately, the pie was o-kay.

"Tsukasa?" Subaru quietly asked, lying straight back flat on the floor.

Tsukasa was lying straight stomach flat on the Subaru. She lifted her head. "Yes?"

"…that was blue cherry."

"Oh. Sorry."

Both stayed in that position for a while, complete with BT and the director staring at them.

BT spoke first after the silence. "Going to get up anytime soon?"

"Shh," Subaru hushed. "She's sleeping. Oh, ew, she's drooling on my shoulder."

"No I'm nooooot…" Tsukasa mumbled in her sleep.

"No offense, but your positions just look weird if not wrong," BT noted.

Subaru shrugged without waking Tsukasa up, supposing she was sleeping.

Ginkan trudged into the room, barely reaching the snack table without falling asleep. His hand floated toward the coffee dispenser.

BT stepped in front of him, halting his movement. "What are you doing?"

Ginkan strained his eyes to look at the thing that blocked his way to caffeine. "Getting coffee. Why?"

"I was about to ask you that. Now shoo, shoo!" BT pushed aside his arm.

"Why can't I get coffee?"

"Because it's _mine_," BT claimed.

Ginkan caught a glimpse of the coffee dispenser before BT tilted her body to cut off his view. "I don't see any evidence of your claims on it." He took out a sharpie.

BT took out her own permanent marker. Both her and Ginkan went through a 20-minute eye-to-eye showdown before either made a move for writing his/her name on the coffee dispenser. Ginkan made the first move, lunging himself at the forbidden liquid with a scream.

Before Ginkan could get within a half-meter's distance of the coffee (and maybe a fourth meter from BT), the director interrupted their session. "Oh, by the way, guys," he said, "We're all taking a field trip."

Ginkan fell to the floor immediately and BT eased her defense position at the director's words. "Sweet!" Ginkan exclaimed jumping up and down. "To where?"

"Psychologist's office. Let's go."

BT was credulous. "No way I'm going. I'm perfectly normal as I am." She noticed a lone thermos of hot steaming pure bitter caffeinated times three coffee on the groundl.

"Hello!" BT exclaimed and grabbed for it. The string tied to the thermos jerked it farther away from her gasp. "Playing hard to get? I'll play hard to get away FROM!" BT giggled and ran after the thermos as the string pulled it closer and then eventually onto the bus and then onto an empty bus seat. Ginkan was already there.

"What the?" BT sat down next to Ginkan with the thermos in hand. "What got you onto the bus as well?"

Ginkan looked at her and held up _Modern Bride_ magazine.

Tsukasa and Subaru were sitting in front of them. Tsukasa lifted her head and looked behind at them. "Hiya!" she greeted. "We've been waiting for you!" She faced the front. "Okay bus driver! Do your stuff!"

The bus roared into life.

BT and Ginkan screamed.

* * *

Mimiru pouted. "This is hell."

Sora sat down bouncingly next to her. "Oh come on. We're in a psychologist's waiting room. The bus ride was worse."

"There's something wrong with the image of Kurim, Ginkan, his four Crimson Knights, and Bear singing along to 'It's a Small World'." Mimiru shivered.

"Not really." Sora started humming the tune.

Mimiru screamed. Two men ran in and strapped her into a straight jacket, dragging her away out of the waiting room.

Everyone else watched eating popcorn.

Crimson Knight One held up a sheet of paper with Arabic numerals written across it. "9.1."

Crimson Knight Two held his up. "8.9."

Crimson Knight Three revealed his. "9.2."

Crimson Knight Four held the last of the four scores. "8.8."

Ginkan stood up with a microphone. "And Mimiru's score comes to a 9.0! Nine point Zeeeero!" He sat back down and resumed to his magazine _Better Boats and Helmets_. His four Knights followed suit going back to their respectable activities.

"BT?" the receptionist called. "The doctor is ready for you."

"No he's not," BT countered.

The psychologist opened the door to his office. "Yes I am, damn it. Now come in."

As BT walked into the office, she signaled to Ginkan, "If you hear screaming, barge in and set the place on fire."

Kurim narrowed his eyes at Ginkan as the silver knight nodded in understanding.

* * *

BT made herself comfortable. She eyed the steaming mug of hot liquid the psychologist had in his hand.

"So, BT… your director tells me you are insane—I mean have some issues." He took a look at his empty clipboard. "Yes, yes, but I don't see much that I should point out, so you start."

"All right," BT agreed. She rolled the dice. "One, two, three, four," she moved her piece four spaces up on the Monopoly board. "Chance!" **(AN: I don't remember what exactly the Monopoly spaces are, so bear with me.)** She drew a card. "'Go to Jail'. DAMN IT." She stood up and aimed her flashing staff at the board.

"Whoa whoa," the psychologist coaxed. He got her to stop her spell casting. "Remember, it's just a game, BT… breathe. It isn't life." He placed a box of the board game Life on top of Monopoly. "But this is!"

* * *

Time passed rather slowly for the incredibly bored waiters waiting in the waiting room.

Tsukasa swung her legs back and forth. Subaru leaned against Tsukasa's shoulder.

Kurim cringed at the sight and ran to the closed door of the psychologist's office. He banged on it. "Hurry up with BT! You have to do Subaru and/or Tsukasa, but mainly Tsukasa, next! PLEASE!"

"Go away," the psychologist called from inside. "We're busy."

"Lies!" Kurim poised his weapon, ready to strike down the door when an elephant crashes through the wall. It suddenly dissipated.

"Jumanji!" BT cried. "I win!"

"Aw…" the psychologist pouted. "Receptionist?"

"I have a name, you know," the woman grunted.

"That's nice. Get this wall fixed."

The woman reprogrammed the wall into its original state.

"Okay," the doctor settled down. "Who's next?"

Kurim shoved Tsukasa into the room. BT went into the waiting room.

"So…" the psychologist tapped at his clipboard. "Sucasa…"

"Tsukasa," Tsukasa corrected.

"Eh?"

"It's 'Tsukasa'. 'TSU-kasa'," she emphasized.

"Sucasa—"

"TSUkasa."

"…ts..tsukasa."

"Good!" Tsukasa complimented. "Now say it correctly capitalized."

"Su—"  
Tsukasa slapped him. "Baka da yo! Doshite anta wa hanasemasen!"

The psychologist pressed a button on his desk. Two men ran in and strapped a struggling screaming-in-Japanese **(AN: Rather horrible Japanese courtesy of the author. I'm only a 2nd year student in Japanese)** Tsukasa into a straight jacket and dragged her through the office door.

They dragged her through the waiting room and out into the hall just as Subaru came in from the bathroom.

"Tsukasa?" Subaru called. "Tsukasa!"

"Don't let them lock me up again!" Subaru heard Tsukasa call from the hallway. She ran out in time to see them go into the elevator and watched the floor numbers go into the basement where ONLY AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL (or loony bin people) ARE PERMITTED!

"I must devise a plan!" Subaru announced to the apathetic waiting room of the psychologist's practice. She ran off.

"Okay then," the psychologist said, coming into the waiting room. "Who's next?"

"Ooh ooh!" Bear frantically raised and waved his arm around. "Pick me!" He stood up and sputtled into the office. The psychologist shrugged and followed suit normally.

* * *

Bear sat down in a chair and waited for the doctor to sit down in his own chair before commencing with, "So you watch soap operas?"

_Oh crud_, the psychologist thought. "Uh, sorry, I don't—"

"You are SO missing out!" Bear squealed. The psychologist's hand headed for the button that calls the big men to bring straight jackets but halted as Bear continued on: "I mean, on 'Just Another Day', the events took a wide turn… damn that Brian… Ooh, ooh! And 'One Life to Live'!" Bear swooned. "Great times… great times… Oh wait, it's 11:00 am! It's on right now! Got a TV?"

The doctor hesitated. "Y-yes, over there—"

"Yay!" Bear rushed over and tuned the tube to the show.

"'One Life to Live'," the TV announced, "starring Devin Ford and Marianne Wakalakapupupipi."

The psychologist shivered. "Uh… excuse me. I need to go to the bathroom."

Bear immediately swung his sword, arrested before the doctor's neck. "You can hold it for an hour."

The director walked into the waiting room. "Hey guys."

Everyone else from the .hack/SIGN cast in the room stared at him blankly.

"Just coming in to check up on you guys." The director looked around. "Where's Subaru?"

* * *

"Excuse me, sir," Subaru said to an employee at the weapons store. "Do you have any jet packs?"

"Why certainly!" the man replied. "In fact, we've got some shaped just like your wings in nine different colors! This way ma'am."

* * *

"We will continue the 'One Life to Live' marathon in just a moment," the TV concluded after an hour's worth of soap operas.

The psychologist planned to scream in two minutes unless something saved him.

Bear was crying. "Oh god WHY!" he wailed.

_I'd like to know why too…_ the psychologist sneered in thought.

Bear, still crying, went on to ask, "Hug me."

"Okay!" The doctor lightly hugged the sobbing buff man and quickly turned off the TV via remote. He let go suddenly. "And now your hour is up!" Bear stoically walked out of the office. The psychologist went into the waiting room. "Next patient please! PLEASE."

Ginkan eagerly waved his hand around in the air. "Oo, oo! Me me me! Pick me! Pick me!"

* * *

At 7 pm, a bus filled up with the newly therapized .hack/SIGN cast.

"Okay, is everyone here?" the director asked. "Come on, people. Buddy system! Check if your buddies are there!"

Everyone _on_ the bus chimed 'yes' in some way or another. The bus started on its way back to the .hack/Project studios.

"Ah yes," the director sighed. "The buddy system _never_ fails."

Maha poked Aura. ".. …. … .. … .. …?"

"Well," Aura pondered, "he said that all my problems were a result of poor parenting, so my mom's the one to blame for my faults."

Both Aura and Maha looked at Morgana.

"What?" Morgana asked. "Quit staring at me! It's Harold's fault for my lack of well being!"

Harold poked his head above the seats. "It wasn't my fault, you twit!" he exclaimed. "You were the one who refused to be Aura's mother at first!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Morgana's voice got louder. "Well I didn't WANT a child in the first place!"

"I've had it with you! I'm talking to my lawyer for divorce!"

"We were never married, Harold."

"Well, then I'll marry you, and THEN I'm talking to my lawyer for divorce!" Harold concluded. "Oh, and will you marry me, Morgana?"

"I do!" Morgana took a hold of Harold's hand and warped out of the bus to somewhere.

Five minutes of silence followed.

And then suddenly Ginkan stood up, yelling, "Bus driver! Stop here! STOP!"

The bus obeyed. Ginkan and his four loyal Crimson Knights scampered out of the bus an into a music store.

The director looked to everyone else for an explanation. BT volunteered. "He got the idea from the psychologist that forming a music band would fulfill the hole in his heart.

"… more like the hole I'm going to give him in his skull," the director muttered.

"Looks like SOMEONE needs to see the doctor and get some happy pills!" Kurim teased. "I feel great and you don't! HAH." He raised his right hand and conducted four beats before he, Sora, and Bear began singing "The Song that Never Ends".

The director almost jumped out the stationary bus's window when Ginkan and the Crimson Knights came back in with a drum set, two guitars, an electric keyboard, and a violin. The rest of the ride back to the studios consisted of "The Song that Never Ends", "The Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves", and the director thinking he wasted money and time on the psychologist trip and clawing at the windows after BT sealed/melted them shut with fire spells.

* * *

As if the bus would never get to its destination, the director ran out the vehicle as soon as it stopped in front of the .hack/Project studios. Three seconds following his escape Ginkan and his knights paraded out with the musical instruments. The rest came off.

"Damn," BT commented, "the director's a bit freaked."

"Nn dmh," Mimiru miffed behind a gag. She was still strapped in a straight jacket too.

"Don't you 'duh' me!" BT scolded and slapped Mimiru.

Mimiru began smoking through the ears, bit through the gag, and leapt at BT teeth and fangs poised and growling.

The intercom sounded. "Will the cast acting in episode 'Declaration' please report to building Delta MA."

Everyone who was outside ignored it.

Five minutes passed. "Did you guys even read the damn script?" the intercom scolded. "Jeez, what's wrong with you people! I used Bandai Entertainment's money to take you to the psychologist's office just so you all could feel better and this is the thanks I get! Now I have to deal with Ginkan and his garage band! I HATE YOU ALL."

They all could hear Ginkan screaming, "IT'S A STUDIO TRAILER BAND!"

They could also hear the director on the intercom screaming back, "YOU IDIOT, TALK WHEN YOU GET YOUR BUTT HERE. YOU'RE IN THIS EPISODE! And you get your pride kicked in the ass by Subaru too. Teehee. Teeheeheeheehee. Wait a minute, where _is_ Subaru? Her buddy was Tsukasa!"

Ginkan screamed back, "Tsukasa nor Subaru was there."

"What! The buddy system failed! The buddy system can't fail me! I'll fall apart if it does! Damn it!" The intercom clicked off.

* * *

I'm not exactly sure _how_ one would review a story based on non-sequitur thought processes, but oh well! Review please. Each review you place adds one percent to your loyalty-to-me factor. Yes... yeees...yeeheees...


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